Mysty PfefferDo you find yourself wondering why it is so hard to change?
Is change worth the challenge?
I think it depends on what we want to see improve. It may be our health, our attitude, or our relationships. In this series I want to address why change is so challenging, and why it’s worthwhile. Here are some examples for you and I to think about in regard to relationship:
- Response to Adversity/Offense
It may be helpful to ask ourselves, “How do I respond to an offense?” Am I the type of person who retaliates with a quick retort, ignores it and moves on, or internalizes the offense as a judgment on my character?
Retaliating gives us a sense of power and control. However dialing down the drama queen and pumping up the grace is a more self-controlled, and biblical response.
Changing this habitual pattern is difficult. Our flesh values taking charge and not being taken advantage of.
In his book, Feelings and Faith, Cultivating Godly Emotions in the Christian Life, Brian S. Borgman states, “Emotions are more than feelings; they are the expression of our values and evaluations that affect motive and conduct.”
Although the person’s comment may seem misdirected or mean-spirited, it could just be an oversight. Regardless, as a follower of Christ, it should never disrupt relationship to the point of holding our self-esteem above the value of the person.
“Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.”
Colossians 4:6
2. Succumbing to Temptation
Succumbing to temptation means I retaliate with equal animosity and venom or stop talking to the person all together. Again, self-focused behavior that destroys relationship instead of building up. Although we see it time and again, how do we change it?
For instance, my husband thinks it’s funny to blow the horn in my ear as I walk in front of the vehicle to go into the store. Instead of taking a couple of minutes to pick up my items, I leisurely browse to make him wait longer.
Childish, right?
Little digs occur with the intent to tease and get reactions from those we love in playful and not-so-playful ways. Anger gets us nowhere but more hurt. Jesus says, we can change it my turning the other cheek.
Borgman asks this powerful question in his book, “What am I not getting that I am elevating to idol-status and willing to go to war over?” Maybe the anger journal, suggested by Lou Priolo, would be helpful in tracking deceptive thinking that leads to the temptation of retaliation.
3. Realizing the Current Pattern of Behavior is Draining
Change may also be more appealing when we realize how draining the behavior can be. For instance, replaying the scene over and over again makes the muscles tight through our shoulders and neck. Not to mention, the silly thoughts that spiral out of control and don’t even really exist as truth. Patterns of thinking the evil one teases us with to destroy relationship.
Jesus says, referring to Satan, “He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies.”
John 8:43
Letting go can be a challenging, but necessary component to change. Why do we think we need to be in control of every situation or comment that comes our way? If we truly believe we are loved by our Father in Heaven, offenses should bounce off that seal of protected love and not pierce our hearts so easily.
Personally, I believe the root of not letting go of offenses could be one of two things:
a. It pierces because we have invested all our time, love, and attention on the offender, and feel like they don’t care. So, we’re a little insecure.
OR…
b. Our pride is pricked and we believe the offender does not appreciate our gifts, talents, or abilities.
Paul tells the Ephesians, “Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.”
Ephesians 3 ESV – The Mystery of the Gospel Revealed – Bible Gateway
What a relief to know we are so dearly loved by our Father in Heaven. We can tattle to Him in prayer on those who don’t appreciate us. In addition, we can ask Him what He wants to show us through the challenge. Are we experiencing insecurity or pride? How is difficulty in our relationships drawing us closer to Him and away from self?
It may not be clear to us at the time, but we can trust God’s purpose for it all the more. He wants us growing in the likeness of His son.
Although our way of responding to adversity is not always perfect, we can learn to apply a new template for change to better our relationships. In the end we’ll find the people we love are worth it!
God bless you as you take the challenge too!
