You Don’t Understand!
You’re right, I don’t understand.
Several years ago, my sister was laid off from work and we decided to start a Bible study. As we walked around town putting up flyers for our new adventure, she said, “We should do it at the jail.”
In the silent recesses of my mind, I balked. Thoughts loudly and vehemently swirled around my inability to handle such an adventure.
My low confidence in leadership and lack of skill navigating the complexities of a jail ministry led me to blurt out immediately, “You don’t understand, I don’t feel called to do a jail ministry, I just want to study the bible with other women.”
I know. . . excuses, excuses! But, honestly, I didn’t’ feel ready, or spiritually mature enough. Or maybe I just didn’t have enough love for the women hurting there at that point of my rededication journey.
You see, like many in the church, I had lived my life with God on the backburner. I said my prayers throughout the day, went to church on Sundays with my family, and lived the best I could.
It wasn’t until after my girls graduated high school and I looked back at every single area of my life where God had carried me, loved me, forgave me, and guided me through my rebellion that I fell before him in tearful gratitude and thanksgiving.
The Strong Conviction to Understand
Rededicating my life to him soon after, my thirst for more of his word became insatiable. I longed to share this freeing feeling with other women struggling in their faith journey. Hence the Bible study adventure with my sister.
Needless to say, the venture was a flop. No one came to the library for Bible study. She went back to work, and I spent my days off studying by myself and inviting women to join me in my living room.
It started small with two or three of us, and eventually grew as we felt the urge to move it to the local library and offer it to women in our community.
Two years later, a sermon I was listening to and a passage in the Bible struck me with strong conviction. John the Baptist is sitting in prison and contemplating his predicament, which leads him to question Jesus.
The preacher on television shares his ideas of John’s thoughts: “If Jesus is who he says he is, he will get me out of here.” “If he loves me, he will save me.” He is feeling doubt because he knows Jesus’ power, yet he is not experiencing freedom from his circumstances.
“When Jesus had finished giving orders to His disciples, He moved on from there to teach and preach in their towns. When John heard in prison what the Messiah was doing, he sent a message by his disciples and asked Him, “Are You the One who is to come, or should we expect someone else?”
Mathew 11: 1-3
The faithful John the Baptist is questioning Jesus. Perhaps he is lonely or scared. Maybe he is beginning to feel betrayed. I’m pretty sure my sinful thoughts would lead to, “After all I’ve done for you?”
I’m not sure. What would I say about Jesus if I were in John’s predicament?
Putting myself in John’s shoes for just a split second allowed the Holy Spirit to wash over me with conviction and purpose. Memories of my sister’s idea flooded my brain. I knew in that moment, “I have to go to the local jail and tell women how much Jesus loves them.”
Seriously, Lord, I didn’t feel you prompt what I think you prompted.
I can’t do that. I don’t know how to do that. My ugly flesh balked again. Really? If that is true, I won’t have any difficulty. He will open every door and there will be no obstacles. And that is exactly what God did. Every query got a yes, and every request to learn more and be a presence in the local jail was answered.
At that point I was an experienced Bible study facilitator, but I had never taught a lesson. So, I prayed often during my study time for God to give me words, songs, and scriptures to help these women see no matter what they did, God still loves them.
Understand, It’s Going to Be Hard!
God is faithful! My two thirteen-week stints at the jail taught me to trust God and love others in a way I have never done before. I’m not going to sugar coat the situation, because personally it was rough, heart-wrenching, and discouraging.
One particular day stands out to me above all the rest. The minimum-security drug rehabilitation unit I visited held six women. As we sat around a table and I started my lesson on Rahab, I assured the ladies that every single person inside these four walls and outside these four walls sins; we just sin in different ways.
However, every single one of us will be forgiven of our sins when we lay it before God, and accept his son Jesus as Lord and Savior. He in turn transforms our hearts to will and want what he wants!
A girl, I’ll call Nadine (not her real name), a newly baptized Christian, looks at me with tears welling, and screams, “You don’t understand! I’ve committed murder! I had an abortion!” As I’m digesting this confession and my soul is feeling the depth of her pain, the women in the room begin to confess, too.
The woman on my left says, “I’ve had an abortion.” The girl next to her, I’ve had two abortions.” Around the table they confessed their multiple abortions until it came to the last woman who said, “I didn’t have an abortion but I tried every way I could to kill that baby. I even . . .”
I can’t put into words her confession. It still creates a horrific image of pain and heartache in the deep corners of my mind. For the first time, I am seeing the heavy, darker side of an issue that brings people to battle. Yet, never talks about the long-term consequences.
God is showing me hurting, desperate women; numb and suppressing the pain of their sin for so many years they turn to drugs for escape, instead of him.
Volunteering at the Pregnancy Resource Center did not prepare me for this!
My mind was fiercely battling with images of tortured babies and the pain of this one woman who could not forgive herself.
Praying desperately for the “show no emotion” facial expression, and for the right words to minister to this woman, I pulled her aside to pray with her and over her.
Specifically, I assured her, “You don’t understand, Jesus holds your little one now and did the second he departed this world. He is also holding onto you! You confessed, you repented, you turned from your sin and now you are a new creation. The old girl you once were is gone and, in her place, a new girl stands, forgiven and fully cleansed of murder. I pray now, God gives you the power to forgive yourself.”
What we only get a glimpse of now in ministry, we will understand fully when Jesus returns.
Bible Study Teaches Me to Understand
Bible study has taught me over the years God is faithful. When he leads me to a difficult place he leads me through it. I got in my car that day and let the tears flow. I hit my steering wheel with my fist and questioned why he let me experience such pain and heartache in the world.
Slowly, in the depths of my soul, I felt the Holy Spirit wash over me. His comforting embrace deflated all the pent-up anger and frustration. In its place was an appreciation and softening of my heart that was missing two years before. He sees and feels their pain the same way I do.
You and I can study the Bible all we want, but until it moves us to become the hands and feet of Jesus, it is our secret treasure. It’s freeing power to remove sin and change lives is held closely and tightly.
The sad truth is: As much as we love being together and talking about his amazing power in study, we will never persuade a dying and broken world of their need for him in the comfort of our little groups.
“You don’t understand” becomes a true statement from a lost world to a saved one.
Unless. . . we take the time to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes, wipe away a few tears, and give them the hope of glory we hold so dear. It doesn’t have to be a jail either! It can be a nursing home, a workplace, a health club, or even a daycare. There is someone out there who needs us to listen, validate their situation, and offer them hope.
The great news is, when God leads us to it, he will equip us through it!
Check out the site for more encouragement to understand our walk!
I’m here for you!
Mysty
Simplifying Health Faithfully